At the end of last year, the aftermath of Sanctum – that extraordinary
month of performance in Bristol – and the prospect of regular teaching and
subbing work for the first half of 2016 prompted a tentatively optimistic view
of the year to come. Twelve months later, it seems that even such tentative optimism
was slightly naïve. That’s not to say that 2016 has been relentlessly miserable,
but the highs and lows have come in rapid succession. Indeed, I’d be
hard-pressed to remember a year of such sharp contrasts.
There was certainly none sharper than going to bed in
Montenegro on Thursday 23 June after the first-night dinner of an academic
conference I’d co-organised, feeling confident that, despite the hateful
rhetoric and flagrant lies of the Leave campaign, there wouldn’t be a majority
vote for Brexit, only to be woken at 6am by a text from my wife which told me
all I needed – but didn’t want – to hear. It read simply: ‘I can’t speak.’ My
happiness at being back in the Balkans for the first time in two years, at
having introduced two friends and colleagues from the UK to the region and at
meeting again with good friends in Montenegro dissolved into a feeling
somewhere between jet-lag and grief, physical disorientation and emotional
shock. Curious aftershocks rippled through the remaining two days I was away:
gallows humour; abrupt and unprompted tirades; a conviction that the result had
been misreported; a conviction that this couldn’t be the result because all
three of us on the trip to Montenegro had voted Remain by post or proxy; a particularly horrible
stomach bug which poleaxed me on the final evening. It didn’t ruin the rest of
the conference or the day out to the seaside which followed, but it certainly
made any feelings of satisfaction or happiness seem compensatory, even
escapist.
I didn’t have much opportunity to get used to this new
version of ‘home’, where, it seemed, it was now socially acceptable to shout at ‘foreigners’
on the bus or daub racist graffiti on community centres. By the beginning of
August, I was back in SE Europe, this time as a translator-in-residence at the
Sofia Literature and Translation House. This also happened to coincide with the
publication of my first book in Bulgaria – Nepoznati
Prevodi/Unknown Translations, a collection of poems which I wrote as
exercises while I was learning the Bulgarian language. It was a month spent
translating poetry and drama, meeting and befriending some of Bulgaria’s finest
writers and renewing my acquaintance with one of my favourite cities. It seemed
entirely appropriate that the launch of Unknown
Translations was hosted by Vasilena, the student who’d asked me three years
previously if I’d ever been to Bulgaria and unwittingly set in train the events
which led to my publishing a book in Bulgarian, while any semblance of
stiff upper lip disappeared when her sister Marina presented me with the
original drawing she’d made for the cover. Marina, Vasilena and I had set up
the online project Colourful Star in early 2014, but the book launch was the
first time that all three of us had been in the same room since we’d originally
discussed the project on my first trip to Sofia in 2013. By the end of the
month, too, the conversations I was having with my wife on Facebook every night
had led to our reaching a decision we’d been considering for some time: we
would move to Bulgaria in September 2017.
With this decision made, the idea of returning to Brexit
Britain seemed at least bearable because only temporary. Even so it took me
even longer to reacclimatize than it did after previous Balkan ventures – and that
process was elongated even further by the second blow of 2016’s political
double whammy: the election of Trump.
It’s only possible to speculate about what will come of
this, but as the year reaches its end, the current triumph of the incompetent,
the idiotic and the megalomaniac doesn’t inspire confidence. Perhaps the key
hope is that this is the last flailing of the generation whose first step was
to bring us Thatcherism, Reaganomics and the whole neo-con shebang and that when
all the people who voted for Brexit and Trump discover that they too are going
to be locked out of the global elite’s gated community (along with all those
they currently choose to despise), perhaps they’ll have a change of heart.
In such circumstances, it seems almost facile to end with anything
other than a gloomy outlook, but these are the circumstances too in which all
we can really do is find compensation where we can. As Gramsci put it in his
Prison Notebooks: “I'm a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist
because of will.”
Thanks to John Fru Jones for the picture from the launch of 'Unknown Translations'